Saturday, January 17th, 2004
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1:17 pm - . . .
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Feeling bad. Not horrible, just bad. Im angry. Im depressed again. It sounds so bad. Its like one of those shitty movies or stories that people talk about. You know the ones... where everybody goes awwww. Fuck that. Only two people know. You know what hurts most. My girlfriend isnt one of them. Why doesnt she know... Because she shuns me whenever I try to bring it up. And you know what... I think she'll shut off which will cause me to want to stop the hurt. I wanna stop the hurt without loosing everything again. I wanna sort it out. But... but...
enough excuses, goodbye
current mood:  crushed
current music: I dont like you at all
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Sunday, July 13th, 2003
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10:35 am - Hey Evan, Do you like JAZZ?
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Its a sunday morning here... Nothing special really. Dont go to church... which means a whole sunday of nothing. Its quite great. I didnt sleep in though. I was at my friends place. Just crashed on his couch. Woke up groggy. Man did I feel like crap. My image in the mirror wasnt much better. So I left early. And now I am here... typing away on this thing. Havent been here for awhile. Not that Im too busy, just that my comp is crap. It did just get fixed, but it still works shoddy. People are around, so its horrible to write in this thing. It feels a bit like people are watching everything you write. People are just too nosey. Its warm today (surprise surprise). T-shirt and shorts. First time in months really. Theres a lot going on at the moment. Funny that... a lot is going on but its not getting anywhere. Ever get like that. All this shit is going on but the profits from everything wont come till a bit later.
Grrrrr... just starts to piss you off.
Goddamn I hate really tv shows. What the fuck is so interesting about so bitch growling in some girls ear whilst another jumps around with a skipping rope. If I wanted to see that Id play 3rd wheel and try to take my mind off the boring situation by skipping... or at least smoking.
Ive been thinking, if the last 3 years have been a crazy emotional ride... what the hell am I in for from now. I hope I dont loose an arm or something.
Im feeling so... good at the moment.
For some reason the other day I was whistling, mum over heard and commented that she has never heard me whistle. My brother then said that if you whistle, it means your soul is happy. Wonder if its kinda true.
Shut the fuck up!
(my stoopid bird wont be quiet)
Well... I might come back later... Might tell you some details... its just too busy (Bloody nosey people)
current mood:  content
current music: Some retro 70's shit my parents are playing
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Monday, March 24th, 2003
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5:56 pm - sssssssssSSSSSSSSSSSS *pop*
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Im happy but Im missing something… betcha you know how it feels. I want to know how to be me again. Im doing pretty well, Ive gotten job and friends to boot. Im pretty much sorted myself out except for I picked up a smocking habit. I was once so against it the smell would make me sick. Now it’s the one thing that keeps me inline. And guess what… No more death thoughts. For the first time in years I havent thought about it every day. Im not completely happy but at least… you know. My lovelife is a mess though… I guess I need to find a way to be happy with someone. But at the moment Im being picky and saying Im not ready for a relationship… its like that. Tash talked to me again after a long spell… But this time its different this time Im over all the hurt. I kinda just want what I had. Im not saying Im gunna go put myself on a limb just to be shot down again. But well... I wanna feel great like I did. I wanna be able to see someone so great like I did… like I do…
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Sunday, February 2nd, 2003
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4:40 pm - My phone number is 0210492677. See what you can do with that... ha
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Yeah... nothing much happened today...
Woke... found out it was too early to do anything
Watched Spy Game to kill time (was alright)
Watched Batman of the future after that (just happened to be on, cant get better than that)
Watched my flatmate clean his room (I must have had nothing better to do)
Had McDs for lunch... (very healthy)
Now IM waiting for tomorrow to start another week.
Txt me when you're done
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Saturday, February 1st, 2003
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2:11 pm - Manage This...........................................
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Today is Saturday. Its too hot for me at the moment. Ever wonder if your friends are heaps better looking than you??? Works good at the moment. Coming back to napier has given me these new feelings... New feelings. Im actually content in some aspects of life. Its just enough to get you though. Nothing wrong with that. Im still muddleheaded as always. I had a visit from my social worker. She came into work of all places. She did because Im a hard person to get hold of. I can back to napier to get help for my depression. I booked in and all that shit. Went and saw the lady a couple of times... then got my job... her hours where the same as mine so I could never get to see her. Couple of weeks past, she couldnt get hold of me. I then got a letter about how I was hard to get hold of... But a time was set to see a psy(something)... So I organized a time to get off work... and went. Got some french fuck who even did the whole "Now vat seems to be zee problem". He spent an hour analizing me... then told me it was my problem... that I have a fear of 1. Socialising 2. Being alone 3. Base my life round the opposite sex. He was really horrible, but in some ways he opened my eyes. So again I went back to dealing with it all myself. Im tired of dealing, but Im not doing anything to ease it either. So what to do???
Anyways, she came into work and was shocked to learn that I wasnt on pills. So I'll find out more on the 10th (my next meeting with her).
Who should I open up to??? How much should I let people in on??? Should I let somebody in on everything about me. I want to but I dont. This means I just cant show myself fully. I want to talk about how fucked up I have become. I need to just cry and cry and cry over Tash. I want it all delt to... Because I showed her too much of me she can hurt me... as she has. Now I never want anyone to have that kind of power over me. No-one but me should have the power to destroy me like I feel I have. I know you grow on from being burnt... but you dont grow and forget. I almost grow and let it sink a little deeper. No I wont say I love unless I mean it... Thats what I dont like. I hate not being in control of myself. To be so low in the head aint fair.
In other words Im happy but Im not. Its the usual story... easy to talk about whats wrong than it is to brag about whats right. Mine eyes are heavy... Im gunna find something to do.
current mood:  groggy
current music: Snot - Snooze Button (live)
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Wednesday, January 22nd, 2003
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11:26 pm - Tales of a gremlin
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Hi. I was thinking today... I feel like Ive started and finished about 3 lives. To me, life went from age 0 to the end of seventh form... year 2000. A year period after that... then again. Now Im starting afresh again. Somethings never change. Other things always do. I have now loved and lost. Stoopid as it sounds, I fell for her too hard. No I didnt ask her to marry me... Im too young for that. I moved to her. To the other side of the country. I worked in a service station. I liked the job... it was fun for me. But eventually things started to change between us... I lost my trust in her and I didnt believe in what she said to me. As crushed as I was... and how I believed I was cheated on or about to be cheated on, I left. Again I packed up my life. Never have I felt more undesireable. I moved back to my hometown at the cost of my parents. I felt left with nothing. Yesterday I thought that I had been woken from my fantasy to the reality that Im not loved back. That I am only a half to the whole. Yeap, I started life here again. From scratch almost. Slowly changing the way I dress I felt a little better. Finally after about 2 months I got a job. I now work for Dulux. I mix paint and that kind of thing. I have so much fun there. I get paid once a month though... Fucking SUCKS. Spend it in a week seems to be my motto :p
Now after 3 months I think I might be ready to start looking for someone now. Love is my bain. Its not easy, and I'll never get over it. But I can push it away. Why feel so low all the time. I heard this line from some devil movie I watched the other day: I you didnt care, you wouldnt try to kill yourself. At the moment its like that for me. Who cares if your alive or dead. I dont care what people think anymore. IN the last month everyone who really annoyed me is gone. Its my Birthday today. Im now 20. It feels old. I feel too old to be mucking around with these thoughts and actions now. Grow up... get a haircut and get a real job. Again I wanna feel important... again... I want somebody to think "Hey, I like this guy, I wanna get to know him better" Better yet... this guys hot, lets shag him
hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe ha
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Monday, May 6th, 2002
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1:17 pm - Feemo
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EXCUSE ME!!!!
Hello
It is I again. Long time... Ive been out of whack for the last 2 or so weeks. Im not going home. Okay... this is how it is. New Zealand is two major parts... the North and South Island. I was in the middle of the North Island... now I live near the bottom of the South Island.
Wanna hear some crazy shit. How much did I take of my stuff here? 1 suitcase... so I pretty much only brought clothes. When did I tell my parents I was leaving... when they found out I had quit my job. When did I really decide I was gunna live here???? About 2 days before I left. Do I have a job to live? No. Do I have any money??? Um... no. Am I living? Yes. Finally... I actually feel alive. Its been such a funky ride. Ive had to continue all my thoughts on paper (which isnt as much fun) seeing as my computer is still way back home. Im kinda missing all my crazy stuff... which is to be expected. I miss a few of my friends... but really... a lot of them I wasnt that close to. I used to always wonder how people would act if I had been killed. I kinda get to see that now. Well... make that I get to hear about it. My brother sort of lets me know whats going on and what not... he says its heaps different without me around. He says is a lot more serious. I spose it would be... I goof around and hurt myself so much its hard not to laugh. But anyways... Now I am looking for a job... because that is my biggest bitch at the moment. Because I feel like the real leech...
Anyways... money running out so I should get out of this shop...
Byes and byes...
current mood:  curious
current music: Other people typing faster than me
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Monday, January 14th, 2002
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10:44 am - Main Points
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There is nothing worse than writing up an entry or two... thinking they have gone through... then finding out that you HAVENT posted for 4 days.... GGGRRRRR
Heaps has happened... nothing of much importance really. When I say that I mean heaps was important... Its just been too long to go into it all and I cant be bothered making this enormous entry for you people and myself in laterdays read/skim/flick right though.
Lets see if I can cut it all down...
Um... where did I last leave off????
No work friday... went out... got smashed on booze... had a pipe stuffed in my mouth... Came out of it half an hour before work... walked all doped up at about 5 something to my house had a shower walked to work. Worked for 8 hours... got home tired as fuck... tired to sleep... couldnt... worked next morning... got home... parents away on holiday... lots of tasty food... played a few video games with music loud... talked to Tash... games... Tash... games... HEADACHE... tired as fuck... bed... Knock on door... Phone call... Awoke completely out of it... phone to Tash... I think I was wasted... fell asleep... awoke this morning to find out my mum came home yesterday because the Tent collapsed... so thats how I got phonecall... awake now without headache... working on new one till I have to go to work...
Enough info for you my pretties???
current mood:  sick
current music: Deftones - Digital Bath
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Wednesday, January 9th, 2002
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10:37 pm - Noisy Nosey Cricket
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At this stage in life, are you really taken seriously? Ive just been thinking about it... nothing you really say is taken in because you may not have the wisdom or you havent been alive long enough to be screwed enough to see past whats going on. Havent we been raised on all sorts of bullshit? The kids dont get scared as easily anymore because they experience so much scary shit as children. Television is more graphic of course... but so have the attitudes of people as they come to grips with their children having sex... with the realisation that people who dont believe in a religion are also humans. Marrage to some comes after a hell of a lot of fun times with multiple people. Marrage to others is constantly on the brain. Others never. Some straight away... some people wait till after they are married. Its real weird. I think a child seeing his mother beaten is damaging. A broken family is damaging. Loosing your father to a freak accident. Seeing you crush kissing someone else. Technology changes... My sister is only 6 and is using a computer. I never got to touch one until I almost ended primary school. Full House is just a thing of the past because nowdays its just so cheesey. Everything changes. Why cant it change so my thoughts and feelings are valid? Cant I live how I want to live? I feel that living now and taking a chance now and then is what life is all about. As is always said... Tomorrow is my funeral. So I take a chance now. So I jump on in feet first... So it doesnt work out. At least it was tried. So it works out brilliant. Isnt that the greatest thing ever????? You could even end up with a groovy story to tell someone. Dont judge me for making a bold move. Dont judge me for taking that chance that you would shy away from. Who says what the limit of my knowledge is? How do you know that I dont know anything? Why cant I make the same mistake you made? If I did it would make me a better person. How about I finish what you never could? If I was your son, wouldnt you want me to succeed where you failed? I have learnt so much, and have so much to learn. Give and take. Dont deal out your own opinion only to not listen to others. Because your older doesnt mean you are right all the time. Its my life... your outlook is different. Maybe you can spend the rest of your life in a place like this. You didnt start off here. You have your own war stories. I want mine. I want a history to look back on... one that I can call my own. One that wasnt designed or tested by you. I wanna say I made it. I wanna say my personality is and always will be origional. I dont wanna look back and see that I have worked and worked and never loved, lost, recieved, experienced.
Fuck you for pigeon holeing me. Screw you for not listening.
My life... my rules... I pay for my mistakes... My gift is the pleasure I take back from it all.
current mood:  confused
current music: Rammstein _ Rammstein (interesting. . .)
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Thursday, January 3rd, 2002
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10:45 pm - Full on... Kevins Mom.
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*Rubs eyes*
Im so tired. Well actually Im not... my eyelids just are.
What a crappy day. Thought Id go out... stepped into the sunlight "ahhhhh, I think not!". It was so scorching today I had to deal with liquid chocolate bars.
Summer is my bitch. If I didnt get fried every five seconds I might be able to deal.
With the total amount of problems I THINK I face I should be a master at the art of my life. I was pretty giggly all today. I played around a bit with my sister. Drawing little pictures on her feet and shit... fun. Its quite funny too. We have both gotten into eating these fantail lollies. And when she puts them in her mouth there is this big bulge under her cheek. She saw herself in the mirror and thought it looked funny. Now she is going around making these hillarious faces... Soooo funny I could hardly keep the dribble in my mouth. I found out why my dog has a limp. Whilst he was in the pound some rotty got hold of his leg. Ripped everything off it. He almost lost the leg. WHAT A TROOPER. Im surprised he is so good natured. I love that stinky beast. R.I.P Bundaberg... I wish I could have given you a happy life. The one fish I related to most died. Damn.
I wanna go see the movie Rat Race. I want a good laugh. I saw a preview of this movie called Ice Age. Oh my God. That is how I would make a crazy arse movie. No talking bullshit. Its all crazy actions. Man... am I warped. Its got this little pre-historic squirl (spelling????). All he wants to do is hide his little accorn... I almost melted into a puddle whist watching it... Soooooo groovy.
1). Im sick of hearing about Anna Korna(Kor...) Whatever... tennis chick. She sucks at the game and she isnt all that fan-freaking-tastic looking.
2). 13 days baby... Whoo Hooo
3). I dont have a 3rd... I just wanted 3 points.
Damn... Too horny... And as my father always used to say... "Do you know what a Clit oris is?" Bahahahahahahaha... Isnt that some kinda hat?
current mood:  horny
current music: KoRn (live) - Freak on a Leash
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Tuesday, January 1st, 2002
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8:31 pm - Step over and bound... goddamn I wanna fuck.
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Because of Christmas I made I bit of extra money. I desided that I needed a treat. Why the fuck not? I was standing alone on what should have been a party. I had one bitch of a year in reality. And the only thing that made it totally worth while was the last 2 maybe 3 months. OUT OF 12??? I spose that wasnt too bad...
Actually I think the first few months werent that bad either. But nothing significant really happened. Anyways I went to town. Everything was closed. Well almost everything. I went to Monsters Inc. Now when Im all ready to have a child... I want that little girl... (boo... he he he). Little piggies just set it all off.
I also found a cheap arse video of Johhny Bravo (watch me comb my hair real fast). And yes I laugh at stoopid stuff.
Its been damn hot here. I had no work.
The Phantom is on tv. I always see the starting scene where those guys are escaping in the car/truck thing... DOnt you hate it when you see the same scenes over and over?
Okay... tell me this...
Do pretty people who have no personality wish they had one like people wish they looked better? Or do they think they have a good one when they dont?
Actually... thats harsh. Cause everyone has a personality that SOMEONE likes right? It just means you have to find those people.
I dont know. There are so many shady areas in this subject. I still havent got a grasp on it. Maybe I should give up. You like who you like, you hate who you hate, you try to be a person you wanna be. Unless you are a tad feeble minded.
So yeah... Advance forward
current mood:  melancholy
current music: Pantera - Hard Lines, Sunken Cheeks (angry matey)
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10:05 am - Who said so?
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I just realised how wasted as fuck I am. I am here. About 10 hours into the new year. Why am I awake? Nowdays I cant sleep long. Its almost as if I wanna savour as many hours as I can. I cant lie there asleep anymore... I have to do something. Well... last night ended... weird. I had to work till 9. That sucked. But I spose it wasnt too late. But just as Im starting to leave and pack up this big arsed dude blew the FUCK out of me. Say I had this really bad attitude. He just didnt stop swearing. Going on about how I was moaning and that he was a customer who has rights over everything. All I said was that he was lucky and Id fill his bottle before I closed up. Honestly at one stage I could have sworn he was gunna beat the shit out of me. If I wasnt that scared I would have told him to fuck off cause he was a bastard (but alas... Im not that impressive to look at).
Something seems to have happened to all the people on this planet. Well actually... just my friends. Over the last couple of months I have stepped further and further from my 'shell'. And as I have, I have either noticed that others are changing or that I can really see people for who they are. All parties from my past have made me wonder. I look around in amazement at the ways people interact. The smooth talkers... the crazy drunks... the amount of funny 'happenings'. They always seemed like everyone was having heaps of fun. Now its all bitter blood. People leaving far too early. What happened to going till the early hours? What happened to being up all night with someone. It feels like it hits 12 and Im standing there alone with a tonne of bottles to clean up. Last night I wished I was at a big party with about 5-10 people I knew. Those are parties. Where your comfortable because your not all by yourself but you have a way to stretch out. People who dont get along dont sit there and pout... they just keep their distance.
How sad... I never got my new years kiss.
How sad... I feel like it was a hollow night.
How sad... I got home too early.
Well...
Im now busting... stoopid alcomahol
I am now off... Toodle Oooo
current mood:  restless
current music: Snot - I Jus' Lie
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Sunday, December 30th, 2001
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11:29 am - Strip card games are bad!!!!
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What the fuck went on with yesteryear? Everyone was going on about how weird it was. I had a sad arse day... honestly... I somehow doubt it could have gotten... well yeah it could have, but you know what I mean.
Why are people such buttpipes? Shit... customers must know (or travel in packs) crushing the souls of the people serving them. All I got was a bunch of smart arse sarcastic people who think they know more because Im just scum... "Hey dude, just think... I WORK here. I might actually know something about what goes on in this business"
I was not in a party mood. And I did end up going out last night. I really probably shouldnt have, but I needed to drink. Too bad I didnt take much (or maybe thats a good thing). Anyways all Blairs CD's got pinched from his car... what pisses me off more is that he fuckin goes and borrows my CD's and doesnt give a shit till they are gone. I pull the big finger at you, you bastard. You aint getting jack from me no more. Im sick of you taking my shit. I cant even get Adema... not one shop has it.
So many little things pissed me off.
I have no money on my phone again. Looks like it shall just sit there... AGAIN.
Stuff it... Im going
current mood:  grumpy
current music: System of a Down - Forrest
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Thursday, December 27th, 2001
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10:07 pm - Spud
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What a horrible song to be listening to right now...
*sings* IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII wish you were here..
If feel glad. Glad that I now have a day off. Glad that I am content with what I say to people. Glad to not be disabled. Glad to feel loved.
Tomorrow I shall sleep forever and a day. Tomorrow shall be a bum day for me... I dont feel like doing nothing.
Well whatever... Tomorrow is the only thing that can tell what I do.
Have you ever wished you had enough skill to write a novel... to be able to describe things perfectly. How can something in your mind be spoken so sweetly? I need a bigger vocabulary... but who can be bothered finding it? Not me, thats for sure. Do you wish you were something your not?
current mood:  artistic
current music: End of the line
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2:03 pm - Bastard... Dont make me live like this.
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Just bought the new(est) Incubus.
Fuck Im in a tizzle. Truely.
Christmas been and gone right? Busy times for me over the last couple of days. No-one seems to give a fuck because it seems like its a holiday (not seems... is) but I have to clean up the shit. Im just tired and grumpy I spose. I finally put money on my phone which is bliss. My aunty (dads sister) desides she will give me presents for Christmas and birthday. Fuck... I have not seen her since my nana died. Yet shes handing out music vouchers like they are free. Fuck... This just makes me feel worse and worse. To me she isnt even family. Ive never really enjoyed her company when I did see her (she smelt too strong and her jewellery crushed the life from my person). But now Im taking more fucking shit. Also that brings up more Christmas bloopers. I know I mentioned a $50 note I turned down (its in the past journal... somewhere). Yeah well that came back to bite me on the arse. She confronted me at work about it. Marie was travelling here from Auckland on her way to Palmerston... She dropped off more money. Fuck... Im digging my foot in this time. I aint taking no more piss arse money no more. Fuck it. Money for no reason is not right. People are trying to reasure me that my actions over the past year have been reasonable and that I have been through a lot. Sure I have... everyone has... But why should it be accepted that I fucked up? Why should I get away with that shit? If I feel into all that bullshit again what would happen? Where the fuck would I end up then? Fair enough... Im delighted with things at the moment. Im almost at the stage where I can be happy forever... (but not yet). So much happens in a space of 2 months, its just not funny. All I can do is live my now. Thinking like next week I will be dead. Fuck what people think of the shit I do. I like myself now... kinda. To the extent that I can look strangers in the eye... to the extent I can do something crazy and insane for the sake of a thrill. Do something because I can. Wake up early so I have more of a day. I will drink to now end. Be the kindest I can be so I can sleep at night.
Dads meant to be coming here tomorrow. Im not worried but I am. What will I end up doing. When it comes to this situation I dont know what I will end up doing. This isnt a new subject for me. I delt out a few stoopid things over this. Like getting angry over silly little things. Taking a weird option just to get away from a weird possition. Any Neverman family situation ended in me action silly. Sulking and all that shit. If Im uncomfortable... it is known.
Ive just made up my mind...
Time will tell I spose.
Objects just cloud the mind... I love you... I'll show it by buying you a fish...
(everyone wins... its just sad it takes a present to show it)
current mood:  frustrated
current music: Incubus - Warning
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Monday, December 24th, 2001
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11:29 pm - Adam (loser) gets some balls
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I must say the last couple of days have been a worry for me. But a letter I got seemed to settle all them thoughts.
Fifty minutes till I choose what I feel like doing. Im in a happy mood so tomorrow shall be about being happy to all family members... even Grandad.
Best of all. Im happy my gifts are so far going down alright. I was a tad worried.
Give me strengh tomorrow. For I battle father to the death. Well maybe not. But Its where I tell him to go blow his own trumpet... cause I give up.
current mood: horny
current music: System of a Down - Prison Song
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Sunday, December 23rd, 2001
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12:46 pm - The New Fragrance
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Halfway through the Sunday. How groovy is that? Doesnt make a difference.
I slept wrong.
Cheap fuel is only a bitch to the people who work at the stations.
Food just doesnt get down me much anymore.
Your probably lucky. I dont really have something to gripe about. I dont have some bullshit moral to tell you I live by. If anything I have half a day to decide what to do in. So I am here.
Christmas in two days. I have no money. I just got bills yesteryear (a big yay for me).
People over here are insane. I think the date is just getting to people. Not too many people are friendly. And pretty much all females are out to bite my head off. I put it down to all the work they have to do because their males sit around in the sun drinking beer :P
Honestly, I hope it rains Christmas morning. That would makle my day. This year the 25th has no effect on me. Nothing special happening, no-one special to be with.
HAhahahahahaha... I just feel like going now.
Goodbye to you all.
current mood:  creative
current music: KoRn - All in the Family
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Friday, December 21st, 2001
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3:13 pm - We'll stop to rest on the moon.
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I live in a country that looks like 'The Lord of the Rings'.
I saw it today I did I did.
Ive had a bad day other than that. And its just about to get worse................... TALK TO ME... I wanna talk to you lady...... he he he
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Wednesday, December 19th, 2001
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11:17 pm - A bomb went off in my head.
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Aint I just the freak of all freaks... loser am I.
Do you like me?
Does what I say matter?
Do I look sexy or cute?
Is my voice horrible to the ear?
What do you think is wrong?
What would you say is pathetic about me?
Have I ever said anything to offend you?
Am I that repulsive?
How can I assume I am a nice person?
Have I used you?
Have you ever hurt me?
Has anything I said ever effected the way you talk to me?
Have you ever envied (spelling?) anything I have done?
Do you envy me?
Have you ever said to yourself "Im glad Im not him"?
Has the thought of me ever made you feel sick?
Have I ever turned you one?
Does life seem short?
Do nightmares only come to those that give a shit about them?
Am I actually fat or do I just think it?
Do I have anything to offer what-so-ever?
Does what I say matter to anyone but myself?
Do thoughts ruin your life?
Has meeting me ruined your life?
Do I swear too much?
Does being around me bring you down?
Have I ever made you cry?
Can anything I do make you cry?
Would it matter if I died?
What amount of pain would my death bring you?
Have you ever thought about killing me?
Have you ever thought about jumping me?
Have you ever thought about hurting me?
Have you ever avoided me?
Do you think I do not think straight?
Have you ever lied to my face?
Have you ever lied and said you were in love?
Have you ever said to me something and regreted saying it?
Did you ever flirt with me?
Do you think Im stoopid because I cant see flirting?
Would you cringe if I started flirting with you?
Would you care if I left tomorrow?
Would you care if I gave you a hug?
Would you like me to give you a kiss?
Do I talk too much?
Do I not talk too much?
Have I got interesting things to say?
Am I funny?
Am I too serious?
Do I joke too much?
Am I an open person?
Has the thought that you dont want to know me anymore ever crossed
your mind?
Can you honestly say your life is better because of me?
Does it matter that I dont always show my true self?
Do you think I am stupid?
Does anything I say rub off on your actions?
Do I make you happy?
Am I fun to be around?
Can you say that over 75% of our meetings have been fun times?
Do I make you feel awkward?
Thats all that free thinking question crap. I cannot be bothered thinking. I cant be bothered putting on a happy face and spouting off stoopid jokes over the net. I dont always have to be interesting to talk to on the net right? Do I always have to be crazy? Im tired and I know it. But I dont give a shit. Im like a fuckin' ...
Im not myself right now. Saying all the usual words like... fuckit. you know what I always say. what about fucking capitals and full stops not everyone uses them so what if i dont who cares if you cant read a fucking thing i say who cares if you cant understand shit it aint my problem you can fucking go leap right my journal you dont have to read it.
What happens when I cant stand what Im doing. I cant operate without capitals and full stops. Thats just the fuck up that I am. It would take longer for me to write than you because at the start of each sentance I press and hold an extra button. Peoples names... how about the word "I".
WHY am I going into all this? Why am I angry about something. Cause you know I am. Do you really care? Does any person on my friends list hate even reading these fucking entries. Do you skip past the little fucks thinking I cant be bothered? Should I care if you do or dont? I seem to... but I probably shouldnt. Whatever the fuck your doing in life. Make sure you are happy with it all. Be with the people who bring out the best in you. Toss aside the punks who drag you down. Treat yourself like a king. Never buy shit you dont need to make yourself feel special. I do. I buy shit I do not need to make myself feel good. For years I did. No-one made me feel like I mattered. Birthdays I was the reject. Christmas I took all I could take. Friends... yes you can take the piss out of each other, no you cannot do it 24/7. I did. Thats all I did in high school. My friends (bar Bobby) were just beat bags. Do I have anyone of them left now. Not one serious talk went down, not one compliment. All I got was put downs... all I gave out was put downs. My life has been full of best friends who seemed (or never showed) that I was a good person. Nowdays compliments just seem forced. Like the expect them back. I will gladly give them out. I never expect one in return. Saying something to someone then have them turn around and say something nice back, just seems like your forced them to say it. Show someone you care tomorrow by buying them one single lolly. ONE gummybear. Dont backstab. Please be straight up. If your in a bad mood say that you are. Better yet say why. The opinion (no matter how cruel it seems) is usually always better than your own. Have no self worth. I wanna love and live forever. The satisfaction of knowing you raised your child the best way you know how. Realising that you have created a person who is a combination of his/hers mother and father. Weeding out everything that you never liked about your parents. Living the life that you want. Avoiding all the parts of life that you have seen happen to others. Treating others a equals and not dirt on your shoe. Helping to move a friend into a new house. Building your dream home. Playing sport with friends on a Wednesday night. Throwing a frizbie to a dog. Going on the early jog. Knowing you have a clean house. Jumping in puddles. Having great sex and knowing it aint all about you. Trusting someone completely. Not giving a shit about what people think of your clothes. Watching TV under a blanket on a rainy night. Stare'ing' into the sky as the rain falls on your face. Tooting a friendly horn as someone warns your about cops. Giving the thumbs up to someone as they stop to let you cross the street. Getting a "Thank you so much" when you help someone do something they cant quite do. Giving back the $20 note you saw drop from the elderly ladies pocket. Smiling and saying hello to a stranger as your on a walk. Getting so drunk you remember nothing at all the next day. Wiping the tear from your eye as the guy finally gets the girl. Feeding bread to ducks. Popping a 20c piece into a buskers tin. Lying down and just quietly watching the clouds. Watching a blue sky turn orange, then red, then black. Walking in long grass. Not giving a shit as you jump around to music even the deaf could hear. Getting the life squeezed from you in a concert crowd. Lying in bed and sleeping like a king for hours. The smell of a female or male. A fan on a really hot day. A tidy room. A plate of soup. Clean clothes. A super hot shower. A super cold shower. Finally getting dry. Having comfy boxers. Having a shave. Finally releasing after being busting for a long period of time. Making people laugh. Enjoying a silly movie. Bright white socks. Patting a cat. Making a baby giggle. Playing peek-a-boo. Skimming stones. Just listening to the waves crash. The smell of a movie cinema. Winning free stuff. Finally getting that CD you have been dying for. Hearing those three words. Having that person feel what you feel back. Enjoying a cool drink of water. The taste of quality alcohol. The feel of silk. The thought of giving diamonds. Shopping for somebody else. Buying that perfect gift. Sending weird txt messages. Sending crazy e-mails. Getting mocked for falling in a ditch. Being told someone has the hots for you. Morning 'pleasure' so to speak. Getting to sleep till whenever you want. Staying awake all night. Drawing a picture you actually like yourself. Doing something insane and giving or doing it for someone else. Chatting away about nothing what-so-ever. Singing off key. Finally taking your socks off. Wanting the TV on and realising you have a remote. Pile'ing' too many people into a car. Racing round a corner and crushing everyone. Riding without a helmet. Bouncing on that trampoline. Giving a flower. Biting into a juicy apple. Throwing an egg at 'something'. Pretending to blow smoke rings. Trying to imitate movie lines when drunk. Needing to take a sip and noticing your cup is pretty much full. Drinking flavoured milk. Having 100% natural orange juice. Swearing at your parents because your so angry. Finally killing that fly that is driving you nuts. Having a mean giggle at a ugly person (what? they would do it to me too). Finally getting that prickle out of your foot. Showing people you are more than what they see. Finding someone interesting to talk to. Asking if they will go out with you. Walking to the mailbox and seeing stuff addressed to you. Seeing bills addressed to others. Knowing you dont have to perve. Getting given something tasty to eat.
And getting and giving a hug.
Enough for you. I am sorry.
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5:23 pm
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imacreature's journal